Chamber of Secrets: Snape's Secret Diary
by Still-Fantasy
Summary: Sequel to Philosopher's Stone Diary! Snape is a misunderstood character that needs more...understanding... The diary entries are all short. Snape doesn't know that many words.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hurrah! Here comes book two! Hope it's as good as the first one!

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Entry One

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Went to Diagon Alley today to buy some supplies for potion-making. Bumped into Lucius Malfoy on the way out. Stupid shopping bags. Always get in the way. Blew it up to give me better vision. Realised slight mistake after spell was cast. So embarrassing. And in front of Lucius too. He gave me a funny look. Considered doing a Memory Charm on him but figured I might accidentally blow him up too. Decided that would not be nice. Blood stains are extremely hard to clean off. Anyway, Lucius quietly lead me into Knockturn Alley. Said he wanted to discuss something with me. Thought he wanted to discuss buying his wife a present. He does that a lot. Don't know why he would ask me for advice though. Not after that time I accidentally got him to buy her a cursed necklace. Lucius managed to get it off before she got swallowed.

It turned out that Lucius actually wanted my opinion on a little plan of his. Something about Voldie's diary and the Weasleys. Maybe the Weasleys had gotten hold of the diary… Wasn't really paying attention. Had noticed a lovely baby blue robe at the opposite shop window. Would have set off my eyes beautifully. After an intense shake from Lucius, I told him to get the diary and give it to someone safe. Must have given him the answer he wanted because he was grinning. Though it looked more like a grimace. Must have applied too much _Easy Freeze Face Cream: Freeze unwanted wrinkles all day long_. Told him so. He didn't take it so well. Didn't know his language could be so colourful…

A/N: Like it?


	2. Chapter 2

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Entry Two

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School started again today, and that meant another year of torturous teaching. Minerva said I've become quite infamous around the school. I hope that's a good thing.

I've been doing a bit of thinking in the holidays on how I could take Potter's air without anyone noticing. Found perfect solution. If I got him expelled I could steal his hair while everyone was still at Hogwarts. Am total genius.

However when I was scanning the students at Hogwarts for Potter I realised he wasn't there! Started to worry profusely. What if Potter had fallen off the train? What if he had been murdered by someone? Then I would never have been able to steal Potter's gorgeous hair! Was so relieved when I found out that Potter had crashed into a tree instead. Was _not_ so relieved when I found out that the certain tree turned out to be the Whomping Willow. I hate the Whomping Willow. Almost took my eye out once. I remember Sirius Black telling me to look into the Whomping Willow. Stupid Black. Such a git. His hair was pretty good though, all nice and glossy…but that's beside the point.

Anyway, I went out personally to check that Potter was alright. Found him and Weasley (his redhead friend) mocking me outside the castle. Was deeply hurt. Almost cried on the spot but I managed to get a grip on myself. Then realised this was the perfect opportunity to expel Potter! Took them into my office. Think they were scared witless. Happened to glance at my desk while they were coming in. It was a copy of today's Evening Prophet. They'd apparently been spotted by Muggles! Was absolutely delighted. They would be expelled for sure! Pity I couldn't do it though. Only the Head of their House or the Headmaster can. So I sent for Minerva and Dumbledore. Never seen them so angry before. Was sure Potter and Weasley would be out the door within the hour. But it didn't happen! Geez, what do you have to do to expel someone here?!

A/N: I'm sorry about the chapters being so short. Every time I try to make it longer, it always seems like it belongs to the next chapter. Please don't flame me, hit me or throw me into a pit of troll bogies. Your efforts of constraint wil be deeply appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Sorry about the long wait!!! I kinda forgot about fanfiction until yesterday. extremely guilty look I know this is a short chappie but I didn't know what else to add.

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Entry Three

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Dear diary:

Sat next to Gilderoy Lockhart at breakfast today. He asked me if I'd read any of his books. Told him that my aunt had given me the entire collection. He was over the moon. Asked me if I liked it. Told him I loved it, made a fantastic fire. He walked away sulking. Haha, I showed him! Stupid conceited upper-class snobbish twit. I don't understand how such a fraud is so famous. I, on the other hand, am smart, witty and just wand-fully wonderful in general. Perhaps I should try writing a book too, about potion-making and the shortcuts to making the finest potions. I can use the little notes I wrote in my _Advanced Potion-Making_ book from when I went to Hogwarts!I'll call it...um…Poisoning in Potions…That actually sounds quite catchy! I'll start writing right away!

Later

Decided to look for someone to accompany me to the dungeons since I'm afraid of the dark, but no one wanted to come. Feel so lonely. Poor lonely me. Poor poor lonely Snapey. Think I'll talk to a counsellor about my insecurities.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I know I know. I'm hopeless at keeping schedule. And I apologise. apologises profusely I've had exams and stuff at school so I haven't had a chance to type anything. I promise never to be behind schedule ever again.

PS. I might be lying

PPS. Everybody lies

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Entry Four

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Counsellor said I should face my fears and that it'll al be over before I know it. What a load of hypocritical nonsense. On the other hand, it's given me an idea on how to get Minerva to like me. I'll frighten her somehow without her knowing it was me. Then when she rushes over to me to tell me about all her insecurities she'll realise what a handsome charming young man and fall robe over heels in love with me. But how…

Later

I've got it! I'll search all the horror books in the library and find the scariest beast in the stories. Then I'll transfigure myself into that beast, scare her, transfigure back, and then conveniently be there when she needs someone to blabber all her fears to. It's a stroke of genius!!! Well, of course it is. I thought of it.

Even later

Which insane person came up with this loathsome ridiculous scheme?! I'll hex them to oblivion! Those stories scared the magic out of me! How am I going to sleep at night knowing that I could be attacked by werewolves, Heliopaths and Crumple-horned Snorkacks?! Wah!!! I want my mummy!!! I think I'll go find someone to blabber all my fears and insecurities to.


	5. Chapter 5

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Entry Five

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I hate nightmares.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: So sorry about the wait! I kept forgetting to put this up! kneels and begs forgiveness

PS. Enjoy!!!

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Entry Six

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After last night I have decided to give up on the horror books. Instead, I've decided to read _Hogwarts: A History_, much less scary. Found a very interesting myth. Apparently Salazar Slytherin created a Chamber of Secrets in this school with a terrifying monster inside. It's perfect! I'll make it appear like the Chamber of Secrets _does_ exist, reduce Minerva to whimpers of fear…and then rescue her! It's brilliant! I'll start of by buying some irremovable blood-coloured paint from Diagon Alley and then I'll paint a really creepy message on the wall. I'm such a handsome genius!

Later

Drats! I've just bought the paint but the _stupid_ Headmaster (he's quite brilliant actually) wants the _stupid_ staff (excluding Minerva and yours truly) to go to the _stupid_ Great Hall (do halls have brains?) and attend the _stupid_ Halloween Feast (I bet the animals in the food were stupid) and eat the _stupid_ food (wait, wouldn't that make me stupid?). Can't believe he's trying to delay my brilliant plan and force me to eat pumpkin pie, steak…steaming hot pumpkin soup…delicious pastries…spongy cake laden with cream…

I think I'll quickly pop in for a bite or two.

Six hours and twenty dishes later

That was delicious! I'm absolutely stuffed! Now…where was I…oh yes. My brilliant plan. Well it seems as if someone has stolen my idea because someone's gone and written "THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE." on one of the corridors one the second floor. Rotten thief. Can't imagine how they got the idea. I didn't tell anyone. Except Mrs Norris. And that random boy from detention. And that gimpy elf at the bar. Not to mention the huge poster labelled "MY ULTIMATE SECRET PLAN" plastered on my bedroom wall. Aside from all that, there is no way anyone could have stolen my idea. I bet it was that blasted Gilderoy Lockhart. I saw him stare at Minerva once (never mind that she was talking to him at the time, that's not the point)! I bet he's trying to steal Minerva all to himself. I'll show him! I heard he's starting some sort of duelling club. Ha! I'll volunteer to help and then blast him to oblivion! Or at least 10 feet.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Wow, two updates in two days. It's a miracle! But it's short-lived I'm afraid. I'm going to camp for the weekend so I won't be able to update until after that (unless we miraculously find a free Internet Café in the middle of nowhere). Until then, enjoy the chapter!

PS. Please please review!!!

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Entry Seven

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Hurray! First meeting of the Duelling Club today. I managed to knock Lockhart off his feet and into the wall! That'll teach him to stay away from Minerva and stop stealing my ideas! But my elation was short-lived when the git started bragging about how he could have easily blocked my attack. That idiot couldn't have blocked an attack from a snail holding a fork! Mark my words, I'll pay him back one day. But first, I've got to think up another plan to scare Minerva. Lockhart's been going around telling all the staff how there won't be anymore attacks because "the culprit must have known it was only a matter of time before I caught them." What a load of beeswax. Even worse, he thinks this school needs a morale booster. And just how does that ditsy psychopath do that? By covering the entire Great Hall in pink confetti and setting dressed up dwarves loose in the school that's how! Still, it was the perfect opportunity to send Minerva a specially written Valentine by yours truly. Speaking of which, is it customary for people to burst out laughing after hearing a Valentine?

A/N: Sorry about the length (or absence of it) of the chapter, I've got writer's block. Well, half a block anyway.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: I'm back!!! I have zilch mozzie bites and haven't caught a cold. Go me! So here's the next chappie. School is starting again on Tuesday and I desperately need to do my geography homework so I don't know when the next chapter will be up. Hopefully soon! Please review, comments make me feel more special!

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Entry Eight

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A student and Nearly Headless Nick were found petrified today. Of course, I didn't discover it. I was sleeping at the time. One needs to maintain one's health as one gets older. Can't imagine what would petrify a ghost though. Would have gone to see what a petrified ghost looked like but I'm afraid of ghosts. Especially after reading countless horror stories about them. The good news is that most of the students are going home for Christmas (was it something I said?) so there'll be annoying pests around. The bad news is that I'll be getting less presents. Speaking of Christmas, I've never gotten a present from Santa before. Up until now I've always thought that it must have been lost somewhere and that one day I'll wake up to find years worth of misplaced presents. Now I think there's a conspiracy afoot. What if my presents are _deliberately_ being lost?! I betting there's a gimpy old elf out there somewhere who's jealous of my good looks and charms and plotting to make me feel unloved. That explains why so few students seem to like me. HA! He'll have to better than that, I refuse to fall into his trap! I'm sure Santa is reprimanding him right now for his evil deeds!


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: I apologise for the unbelievable shortness of this chapter. Blame school. And the cold. And that spiffy new Harry Potter book.

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Entry Nine

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Eek! People are being petrified left right and centre. There was another double attack today! What if I'm next?! WAH!!! I WANT MY MUMMY!!! I ran to Minerva and blabbered about all my insecurities. Halfway through ranting about how my teddy bear might be haunted I noticed that Minerva was wearing earmuffs. I got suspicious so I asked her what they were for. She told me they were there to keep her ears warm. Minerva is such a caring person, risking the warmth of her ears to listen to me. I would have continued my rant but I had to go escort some stupid students to their next class. Stupid new rules. Still, at least if a monster _does_ attack, I've got a bunch of students to protect me. At least, I _think_ that's what the students are for…


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Curse school to oblivion!!! And praise JK Rowling to eternity!!! I loved Snape to bits after the seventh book. Not that Snape will be undergoing any personality changes throughout his secret diaries. Please review, even if you're complaining. Just don't send me any howlers. Please.

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Entry Ten

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Woke up today to find that Dumbledore's gone. Yipee! Now I won't need to share the chocolate pudding with anyone! Don't think I don't notice that he always offers small portions to everyone and leaves the rest to himself. What's worse, he told me off when _I_ tried to give myself a bigger piece. Evidently half the pudding was _too_ big a piece. However, now with Dumbledore gone, I can take all the half chocolate pudding pieces I want! So I strolled into the Great Hall as the happiest man alive, only to find out that that bloody Lockhart has gone and ordered the house-elves not to. Apparently we're forbidden to eat it because chocolate pudding causes cavities. Cavities, what a load of rubbish. I'll show him a cavity. A cavity caused by a fist. I think he's completely psycho. Went over to tell him so but he argued that "as you get old, you need to take better care of yourself." JUST WHO IS HE CALLING OLD?! Excuse me while I slip a few Doxy dropping into his moisturizing cream.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Sorry about the delay. The computer stuffed up so I couldn't type the diary entries onto the computer and put it on the net. On the plus side I've finished writing entry 11, 12 and 13! Anyway, my deep apologies.

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Entry Eleven

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I hate spiders. Which is why I screamed my lungs out when I woke up in the middle of the night to find a bunch of them marching single file up my bedpost, across my blanket, up my bedside table and out of a crack in my window! About ten seconds later, Flitwick barged into my bedroom…and laughed. There I sat, with countless spiders crawling across my Twinkletoes blanket, and Flitwick was cracking up like a house-elf on Firewhiskey. I mean, excuse the interruption, but a little help here?

After his initial shock (let's call it that to retain my pride) he walked to the bed, removed the spiders with a swish of his wand and patted in comfort. Not. Instead he stuck his head out the door and told all the staff members to come and laugh at my misery! I've never been more humiliated in my whole entire life (minus the incident involving honey, beehives and a grizzly bear). On the plus side, now everyone knows that Lockhart hates spiders and shrieks like a girl.


	12. Chapter 12

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Entry Twelve

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Eek!!! One of the students, a girl called Gym Wheezy or something, has gone missing! There's no clue about her whereabouts except for a message on a wall saying "Her skeleton will lie in the Chamber forever." Minerva told us all to search the entire castle for places where the Chamber could possibly be. Being the genius that I am, I decided to look in the room where the **Chamber** Orchestra practiced, Filch's unused Torture **Chamber** and the room where Dumbledore had allegedly found a room full of **chamber**pots. Unfortunately, I didn't find the Chamber of Secrets. I suppose Slytherin just didn't have the same intellectual capacity as me. Anyhoo, I'm a bit tired now. Think I'll go and have a lie down…


	13. Chapter 13

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Entry Thirteen

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Flibberting wizards! I take a nap for two hours and wake up to find Dumbledore back, Jenny Westley rescued and McGonagall fluttering praise about Potter. Maybe it was a nightmare…

Later

Okay, so it wasn't a nightmare (unless swimming in a vat of melted beozars was reality). Drats. At least it's the end of another year, meaning all Minerva's attention will be focused on me again. Best of all, that pimple of a teacher, Gilderoy Lockhart, tried to cast a memory charm using Ron Weasley's (I learnt to spell the name right!) wand and it backfired, meaning he'll be stuck in St Mungo's indefinitely. YIPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hoorah for Weasley and his broken wand!

Anyway, it's the end of year feast again. I've decided that at last I will confess my feelings to Minerva upfront. I've had the fantastic idea of supergluing Minerva's chair so that she won't be able to run away during my confession. I'm a genius!

Later

Drats! I managed to superglue Minerva's chair without anyone watching but then that blasted Argus Filch rearranged the chairs because they were "in the wrong height order!" So who ends up getting the chair?! ME!!! Just my luck! At least Madam Pomfrey managed to get it off. Eventually.


End file.
